Do you ever feel you're not in control? Let's put it this way: "You're not the only one". How do we know we've lost it and what can we do to regain control of our lives?
Not being in control really hurts. Here are some examples to help you discover when you've lost control:
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- When bills are hard(er) to pay (on time).
- When you sense that your mental, social emotional or physical health is declining faster than it should.
- When you know you're not doing what's most important and you just can't seem to get your head around to making that change.
- ...or when you're feeling poor and depressed and you just can't really tell why you sometimes feel that way.
Of course, there's no simple formula. If there was, we wouldn't be hurting in the first place. However, there's are a few principles that have greatly helped many people. You should know these principles. You deserve to know!
There's something else you might like to know about these principles, too: They're currently applied by the most balanced people you encounter in your life. On a sidenote, in the world of business these principles are literally worth millions of dollars, even though that's maybe not why you'd like to know, right now.
That Little Extra
Just for once, let me dive straight into HOW you could gain control, and then I'll just leave it to you to find out WHY you should. (After all, your WHY is ultimately something only you can answer.) On the first day of every week, revisit the following process:
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(1) Define your different roles (e.g. husband, father, employee...).
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Are you able to extract the principles behind why this is a process that really produces long term results? You'll find that these regular steps lead to one very important result: It's what I like to call "that little extra". Here's a real life example to illustrate.
| Some time ago one of my younger daughters paid me a thought provoking compliment: "Dad, you're really good at sitting in front of your laptop". Oh! that hurt me right to the center. Why? Because that's exactly the opposite of what I'd like her to say about me some time in the near future.
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What determines the rise and fall of man? Passion does. Passion is not just a tool in selling or influence. It's you! In fact, Passion is life itself. Passion is about what you open your heart to, and whatever you choose to let in will determine nothing less than the direction and outcome of your entire life.
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Maybe the most powerful feelings we ever experience is the sensation of Passion?
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else matters less, or even close to nothing. This Passion, however, is still something you can choose. Passion - one of your greatest assets in life - doesn't need to be accidental, and it shouldn't be. We should carefully consider why and for what we open our Passionate powers. Why? Because it may (and I believe it indeed will) determine the direction and outcome of our entire life.
Let's consider two basic principles of Passion from which we may extract a few simple rules, and which when applied will produce the success every trainer, manager or even parent wants to achieve:
(1) Passion Precedes Results
In a professional setting the majority of the work force is not passionate at all. If they were, you'd see dramatic improvement both in performance and learning, instantly!
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Before we do training, therefore, we assess the level of Passion in each individual team member by the use of a tool called "Passion Assessment". (We also make use of similar tools for "Connection Assessment" and "Intuition Assessment").
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itself. However, the long term results are of far greater concern. We have found that if team members' Passion from training remains for more than 21 days results naturally follow.
To make such a reality, team members need a burning WHY and WHAT to remain passionate. This makes all the difference!
RULE # 1: .Effective training includes at least 20% WHY and WHAT
(2) Passion Triggers Feelings
...and feelings are good. We want employees to be emotional about their work. The best employees are those who know how they feel and are able to both communicate and stay in control of their feelings in a balanced manner.
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The minute we start tapping into Passion an interesting thing frequently happens: Conflict comes out of the closet.
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RULE # 2: Start building trust by getting feelings out in the open first
So to summarize...
If you want to be successful - if you want to influence others - you have to be passionate about WHY you do WHAT you do. You have to exercise influence in such a way that others become passionate too, i.e. self-sufficient and without your constant help in the long run.
Passion is what will determine your rise or fall. It will be how you rise. It will be how you fall. The same goes for all the people around you. Passion is the beginning of success.
Greater influence brings you faster to where you want to go. Passion is the definitive first step to greater influence. To a greater or lesser degree Passion lies in every positive change you ever saw. How can you tell how much Passion you've got? It's something people keep asking me. That's why this time I'd like to highlight three traits of Passion that seem to surface in successful individuals.
Passion, Connection and Intuition are the three components of influence.
Since Passion is the beginning of influence - in fact, the world never saw success without it - why don't we take a closer look at the immediate side effects Passion has on us. It's a long list of positives, but the following three emerge as the most dominant characteristics:
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(1) UnstoppableThe right kind of Passion makes you unstoppable. Whereas average people easily get discouraged and resent rejection, passionate people are inspired by rejection and put forth an even greater effort. Thomas Alva Edison, the famous inventor, when asked about his many failed attempts to produce a working light bulb responded by saying: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." |
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"Sometimes you just gotta do whatever it is you do long enough..." There may not be anything wrong about what you're working to achieve. In fact, you may be on exactly the right path. However, time is required to prepare and mature the world around you to eventually receive and welcome what you can already see in your mind's eye, even though it's not a physical reality yet.
Passion will keep you going until you finally get the long desired thumbs up that your cause deserves. Edison pointed it out like this: "Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
(2) The Real You
Passion will bring out the real you, for better or for worse. So tell me, what does a passionate person look like? Answer: Vibrant!
It usually is easier to love and adore someone that's passionate about something. They're even easier to communicate with, because they'll tend to have strong opinions. Their passion makes them come alive and it highlights how they are unique. Passion accentuates the talent inside people. Passion ignites their capacities in such a way that eyes start glowing and facial expressions display what can no longer be kept silently inside.
At this time we should also point out how Passion effectively drives away fear. Fear of being different, fear of being alone, fear of failure and maybe even the fear of fear itself, too.
(3) Spreading Effect
Passion triggers feelings in the people around us. We all know that passion or enthusiasm has the tendency to be contagious. However, let's remember that passion is much more than merely enthusiasm. We so easily think of passion as being "happiness". Passion is not a fast paced happy individual per se.
For instance, a passionate software developer does not necessarily move so much as a muscle and an officer in command may not be typified by a smiley face in the middle of a battle. Passion is energy that we can sense, but it reaches us in different ways. What we can be sure about is that (real) passion can be spotted in the surroundings of passionate people.
So what?
Would you like to be unstoppable? (Maybe not when it comes to being flat out stubborn. However, that's not what we're talking about here.) Would you like to become your best self? Would you like to have a positive effect on the people around you - excite them to action? I dare you: Find Passion and so many of your current challenges will slowly evaporate!
Regardless of what project you're in and no matter what your purpose or task might be, sooner or later we always end up asking ourselves: "Things are not going too well... what can I do to improve?"
I believe there are at least three basic questions we can always come back to and greatly benefit from. In my experience, every time I explore these three areas I reach new levels of understanding and conviction.
So what?
Passion, Connection and Intuition each lead to three distinct levels of conviction. Passion leads to inner conviction. Connection leads to shared conviction and Intuition leads to discovered conviction. Here are three suggestions to how this can be applied - right now - today:
- Increase passion by thinking
- read inspiring literature - discover WHAT
- then... take time to reflect and explore
- then... take notes
- then... make commitments and execute
- Strengthen connection by interacting
- spend time with inspiring people - discover WHO
- then... take time to listen
- then... take notes
- then... make commitments and execute
- Follow intuition by leaving your comfort zone
- seek inspiring challenges and environments - discover HOW
- then... look for opportunities
- then... be flexible and accept the speed of the moment
And the best thing is, pick whichever area you'd like to start with. There is, however, a principle based order to these energies, as you've probably noticed: 1) ignite yourself, 2) ignite others and 3) ignite your surroundings. Try to cheat the order of this and you'll find you're up against a headwind. If you apply yourself to the process, you'll see, wind will start blowing your way.
Whether you're a father, a friend, a boss, teacher, coach or even a lowly servant by formal definition, you're always serving and you cannot effectively do so unless you win the hearts of the people you are trying to reach.
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During our life we fill many different roles. Regardless of which role, in every setting we deal with other people. In fact, a role is exactly about just that: "Who am I in relation to you"? (See also Wikipedia to further explore the meaning of a "role".)
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You've heard it before... the old adage "I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care" sums it up. And even though it's that basic, even though it's common sense, unfortunately it's not common practise. Too many of us are consumed by our own agenda. This time, decide to make that basic change. Don't just read this. Make it happen!
Passion
Well, here's a challenge you will appreciate, and I will turn it into a conditional promise: You cannot win another's heart until your own heart is right. And a heart that is right is open to the vibes of another.
Connection
And what does this mean in practical daily living? Next time you're with another person bring yourself to really look that person in the eye. Then ask yourself, what does this person really want? If you feel uncertain you may even want to ask them.
Intuition
Thoughts will come to your mind - ideas will flow. Then, it's time to act, to reap the fruits of inspiration: Do whatever it takes to give it to them. And remember, the higher the cost and personal sacrifice it requires, the better it feels - for both of you.
And it's not just smart. It's life!
Just because résumés and track records are being used to filter out and find the best sales people doesn't mean they're worth something. In fact, past success only means you did well in the past. It doesn't guarantee you'll be successful in the future.
Your past success can make future success pretty hard in more than one way...
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For instance, successful sales people tend to be promoted. Most of them stay sharp, but some stop exercising that sales muscle, become arrogant and self centered and lose the edge they used to have on life.
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The real deal
Why are you in sales? Is it for the money?
Sure, I earn my living that way, and it's good. But you know what. The reason I love selling is because it puts me right where I want to be; in the hottest furnace of constant communication training. If there's one area I'd like to master then it's the ability to reach someone else with a message. And by "reach" I mean totally embrace, both ways, i.e. I embrace you and you embrace me.
If you're asking me, I believe this is the toughest most noble of all tasks in any person's life: To constantly increase the talent of bringing someone over - not to "my way of thinking" - but to a higher shared level.
To me, that's what selling is about, and also how past success (i.e. your track record) can destroy what you have. When you think you're good, you're at risc, because pride may get in your way and stop you from delivering results now and in the future.
Energy is real. It's the stuff that's behind everything we do and say, and that stuff is either positive or negative. There's nothing in between. It's either positive or negative. Children easily pick up energy - instantly. For example, did you ever see a child that naturally sought the company of a stranger (positive energy)? Or vice versa, did you ever experience a person that every child shuns (negative energy)? Why? It's energy and it's as real as anything. Do you believe adults are the same way? You bet'ya!
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All our senses are in sum a constant antenna. Look at the picture of the child. Even long before its ability to speak this antenna is in place and working. You can only wonder why some parents never understand nor learn that a child's inner feelings and outward behavior directly reflects the energy they themselves send out.
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Most people see energy as some kind of undefined "something" beyond our own control. But there are loads of practical things we can do. Let's pinpoint a few (among millions) just to illustrate:
- regardless of pressure and stress, always get enough sleep and eat healthy food
- regardless of circumstance or people, decide to encourage and speak highly of others
- regardless of how you might feel right now, never let bad emotions influence immediate action
Many of the renowned sales gurus have created language to explain "energy" in their own words. Mahan Khalsa speaks about "intent" and "ego". Brian Tracy emphatically stresses the "psychology of selling". It doesn't matter what you call it, really. It's what comes from inside and spreads through the cracks. It makes ALL the difference!
Let's consider an every-day example of how energy makes all the difference while for instance raising a child or taking care of your family. Lillian and I have five children. As a family we've frequently discussed in family counsel how we'd like our mornings to be. But even though everyone puts forth an effort, with five kids ages four to twelve, there's bound to be some challenges - every single morning. How does energy apply in such a situation? And what does this have to do with sales or influence?
If I'm frustrated, irritated, impatient, tired, late or even just gradually growing angry, any one of these emotions will automatically transmit to the people around us - immediately. I may try to hide it, but really it's impossible to keep that energy inside. It all leaks out through the cracks. And we know it all too well, don't we?!
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But, you see, the trouble isn't really knowing and understanding. Remember, what's common sense isn't necessarily common practice out there... In fact, it's mostly exactly the opposite; what we know we should be doing, we often don't do. That's how it requires constant and conscious effort to stay focused on positive energy. Now, let's look at why it makes such a difference to do so. | |
I should be the first to admit, I don't always succeed. Reflect for a moment on what might be the elements of a typical morning for any of us...
(1) Getting up
PATH TO NEGATIVE ENERGY: When the alarm goes off, our partner gets up, but we ourselves might be tempted to just slumber a tiny bit longer. Already at this point negative feelings may start building up inside. Children jump into our bed, someone turns on the bright light or opens the curtains, we get reminders of how much there's to do today, and even when we do get up, both the toilet and shower are occupied.
PATH TO POSITIVE ENERGY: The night before we've retired early. Together with our partner we wake up before everyone else, well rested. We make our bed together and turn on pleasent music in the living room. The volume is so low you can hardly hear the music. Family members wake up with a hug and kind words. Whenever anyone does anything to trigger bad feelings we remind ourselves: "I love this person!" and we ask "I wonder how he or she feels right now / how can I be of help?"
(2) Getting breakfast
PATH TO NEGATIVE ENERGY: Everyone's hungry and looks out for their own breakfast. When someone enters the kitchen another leaves. It's usually best to be among the first to eat, because sometimes we run out of milk or even bread. The kitchen is messy from yesterday when we didn't take the time to clean it up. Sometimes there's unkind words spoken as the rush and disorganized meal causes frustration or even accidents. The youngest kids are at times alone in the kitchen, when everyone else is going back and forth trying to get ready... not smart!
PATH TO POSITIVE ENERGY: The night before the table has been set by one of the kids. Breakfast starts at seven sharp. If someone's late, nobody calls out loud for the missing person. Rather, it's an opportunity to give that someone another a hug and a compliment. Breakfast is kind of slow. Some of us are just quiet. There's time to think, to wake up and time to speak and ask questions as we check up on some of the most important upcoming events of the day. When fruit and vitamins have been swallowed we're ready for another day.
(3) Getting out the door
PATH TO NEGATIVE ENERGY: While everyone is more or less desparately scrambling together their stuff, you regularly discover that a shoe or a glove is missing. Someone's yelling for more toilet paper while others are brushing their teeth, too fast and in a hurry. Parents repeat the threatening warning everyone knows so well: "You're gonna be late for school - again!"
PATH TO POSITIVE ENERGY: "Good luck with the test today" becomes everybody's que to getting ready. The table is cleared by all in less than a minute. Someone's telling a joke as hugs and kisses are passed and the youngest kids stand waving at the door. It's tradition!
Your feelings about the others
The difference lies in how you feel about the people around you. The above mentioned path to positive energy is of course never that perfect! It rarely is. However, there are proactive elements in it that makes it much easier to keep a sincere and heartfelt smile on your face - throughout the remainder of the day.
Getting up, getting breakfast and getting out the door are all activities that repeat themselves every day. Even if you're single and alone, there's always a number of "good reasons" to quickly start tapping into negative energy right from the very start. If you do, however, you'll only generate more negativity. Why not think it through, discuss the details and decide what you want, together?
People who take control of how the day starts tend to sincerely and honestly think more positively and highly of the people around them. As a result they also find themselves surrounded by people that want to and indeed do return those positive feelings.
If energy is to work for you and not against you here's what you may want to consider: Retire early in the evening and start the next day with a conscious effort to stay tuned in on the positive, especially every time you're tempted not to.
Today I'll share with you what seems to become the introduction to 3E:
Every single one of us has capacities beyond what we are aware of. Even talent and power beyond our wildest dreams. We are living receivers, bearers and channels of enormous amounts of energy. Do you believe that’s relevant to individual and team performance? Is it relevant to quality of life? It certainly is. Energy makes all the difference.
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Sometimes we are placed in situations or circumstances in which we may get a glimpse of this energy. But most of our lives we hardly draw on any of those unique powers. I say hardly, but that's not entirely true. We actually make use of them all the time, but only in minor proportions to the amount of 0,1 % or much less. Yet, sometimes in brief moments we might experience pure magic.
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Maybe the most obvious moments are when we're under extreme pressure or have to fight for our life caused by sudden danger. It is well documented that almost everything we do can in fact be multiplied by a factor of hundreds, thousands or even hundreds of thousands when we must or when motivation is focused and channeled in the same and right direction.
This book is about that power which is built into our very system as human beings. It is about what some would refer to as "being in the zone". It is about how both we ourselves and the world around us instantly can change to dramatically perform at levels we normally perceive to be impossible.
I don't expect every reader to understand what I'm going to share, but I do know - from experience - that if you want to understand I can show you on a practical level what is required to seriously increase the frequency of what people perceive as coincidence. To some, success may seem like coincidence, but when you look behind what happened you’ll always find that special ingredient - energy.
Do you want to know what's missing when things don't quite work out as you'd like it to? There's probably a number of important issues, but in my experience, energy is always among them. And believe me, it sure doesn't hurt to have a little more of it.
What's common sense is often not common at all. Here's one case to prove it when it comes to effective communication.
Three dialogs are always running at the same time, and they're there regardless of whether you want them to or not. When two or more people interact the following applies, and you better be aware of it:
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Operational dialogThe context in which we interact ("position") Opinional dialogThe feelings behind words and how they are perceived ("relation") Optimal dialogHow we communicate ("perfection") |
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If you're mindful of all three, you'll experience high levels of mutual understanding, and the likelihood of influencing others increases.
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